That was then. This is now.

Sunrise Photo

The Christmas holiday has passed and I turn my thoughts and actions towards the new year that’s around the corner.  I find myself meditating more often as I contemplate where I am going in life.

 

During a late night mediation, it became clear that it is time to tell the world about my journey over the past 13 months.  You see, unbeknownst to most in my life, I went through a huge life transformation during this past year.

 

THAT WAS THEN

My marriage of 30 years had fallen apart and although I was living in the same house with my husband, we had been living separate lives for over a year.  It was what felt like a precursor to the dissolution of our marriage.

My relationship with my two adult sons was strained at best; they were busy living their independent lives and didn’t want to get in the middle of their parents’ relationship issues.  What kid wants to acknowledge that his parents are breaking up?  My interactions with them weren’t very fulfilling for the most part; they left me empty and feeling alone much of the time.

I felt there was something more, but didn’t know how to make the changes to find out what it was.  During therapy, I was encouraged to separate from everyone in order to return to an independent way of living and explore what I really wanted out of life.

 

 HOW MY LIFE CHANGED

The catalyst to change came about when Thanksgiving loomed in front of me and no one wanted to celebrate in a traditional way.  A lot of emotions were stirred up in response to that reaction and to exacerbate this heightened emotional response I faced an ultimatum from my husband: continue living in no man’s land or leave (since he had no intention of doing so).

And so I left.

I rented a house out of state for a fresh start.

I filled my car with as much personal belongings as I could.

I temporarily secured my canine companion and

said a tearful goodbye to my sons, my home and the town I had lived in for 30 years.

 

THE CHALLENGE I FACED

Over the next 6 months I would be required to make so many life changes that it was like I had been through BOTH a hurricane and tornado all at once.

The future I had envisioned at the beginning of my husband’s retirement and after I became an empty nester no longer existed.  My future had to be redesigned, but I was no where near ready to think about it as I was just struggling to get through each day.

Somehow I managed to survive those beginning days.

It was one step at a time, one task at a time, one room at a time … some days even one thought at a time.

I outfitted the house with the basic necessities to live and slowly moved most of my personal belongings and small furniture from the home I left.  I traveled back to that home several times throughout the year, each time dissolving a different tie.

I muddled through several passing illnesses, a few minor surgeries and established myself with a team of medical doctors to handle my health conditions.

I survived.  And…

 

THIS IS NOW

My life continues to change…even grow.  I’m continuously learning about myself every day.

I am finally settled into a house that I now consider home.  I’ve become familiar with the area and although I’m not sure it will be my ‘forever’ location, it will do for now.

I’ve spent a great deal of time over the past year understanding my inner emotions and dealing with the effect they’ve had on my psyche. I’ve healed many hurts as well as resolved several lingering childhood issues.

I’m working on making my relationship with my sons stronger & healthier; setting boundaries and holding them accountable while expressing how I feel at times and not allowing anyone to diminish those feelings.

I created a temporary backyard garden for creative inspiration and even put up decorations for the Christmas holiday this year.  The house feels more like a home than a just a temporary residence and I find this grounds me.

I’ve even started rethinking my business and taken baby steps to change its direction.  As well as (and this one’s the big Kahuna) I’m starting to plan for next year; defining personal dreams to explore and detailing business goals, all through a vision board.

I’m embracing life as it is now.  So…

 

WHERE WILL MY LIFE GO

The ending is unclear.  I consider my life a work in progress and I’m okay with that.

I haven’t completely figured out where my marriage is going.  Is it ready to be dissolved or can it be resurrected?  The answer I’m not sure of yet, but I DO know that I will know what it is when it’s time for me to know it.

I realize that the beauty of designing one’s own life is that you can change it at anytime.  For only YOU are the writer of your own novel and YOU get to write each chapter and the ending however you choose and as many times as you like.

So, finally, I am able to tell the story of That was then…This is now.

And I can easily say that I’m pleased with how it reads….for now!

 

 

 

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